This is going to be long and stupidly detailed but I think I need to get this out because I have a feeling that I may not be the only girl with a story like this.
A couple of years ago I met a boy called S. He was kind, quiet and made me coffee every morning at an office we both despised for what it represented. I fell head over heels for his quiet charm, his music, his soothing voice: who he was. Except I didn't really know who he really was. Slowly, over the course of the relationship, he began to point out things he didn't like about me. He didn't like the way I overused certain phrases, the way I spoke, the way I sang, and he didn't want to listen to me talk about my past because it burdened him, and he didn't like that...basically all the little things that made me, ME would have to change. This is where I made the most critical mistake. I changed for him.
I changed who I was to please S. And do you know what? The more I changed to suit his needs, the more demands he put on me. But I had already fallen for him by then and there was no going back from that. I helped him with his scholarship work, his english exam, his insecurities about not being able to make it. Because that is what you DO in a relationship. I never wanted anything back, except his love in return.I never received it.
To cut a long story short, this man:
1. Hid me for six months from his friends and family.
2. Let other girls flirt with him in front of me.
3. Neglected me completely then became highly insecure when I left for the UK to pursue my studies.
4. Made a huge scene on facebook about a status that wasn't even about him (!)
5. Got really upset if I hung out with my friends.
6. Told me I deserved to be raped (not even a month past the incident) and I wasn't the one, he needed to find someone like him.
7. Accused me of cheating on him when I moved on with a kinder man who had actually been there for me post my rape after we had broken up (Snooped through my facebook and email on MY laptop whilst I was out, drew his own conclusions and made me feel like I was a slut for NOTHING. After a break up, my life is MY LIFE. Not his, but he didn't see it like that.)
8. Acted like my losing his child meant nothing, and my being upset/broken over it was a massive inconvenience to him.
9. Didn't even take the child's name, ever and started checking out other girls on the first night I had recovered enough to go out with him.
10. Didn't pick up his phone AFTER he had been told I was in an ambulance to even find out if I was still alive or DEAD.
11. Told his mother I CHEATED when I did NOT (see number 7), and of course no matter what happens now she will hate me. I don't blame her one bit if she does (she doesn't know me and has been told the most horrible thing by him about me), but I do want to kill him for doing that to me with a person who I have never even met but loved and respected because she is his mother.
12. Lied about the amount of girls he had slept with by SEVEN.
13. Asked me for help with EVERYTHING, from emails he wrote to how to do graphics, to actually coming to London on a scholarship, to literature, websites, trips, food, and still acted like he owed me nothing when he would yell at me, treat me like nothing. He even made sure he got what he needed from me even if I wasn't well, if I was injured (I helped him make his MA film when I was shaking and ready to break.)
I am not even going to mention the most important part of what he did because that is too sickening and horrible for words. But after doing all these things, I broke up with him, and no matter how many 'sorry' phone calls I got, I did not take him back. And a few days later, when I was completely destroyed, K came into my life. We started out as friends because both our love lives were complicated. It was only after I told my ex we were done for good and no matter how many times he asked if it was really over, I would say "Yes, it is really over," that I grew closer to K, a guy who actually cared about me, made me feel special and loved.
Not damaged, not broken, not crippled, but BEAUTIFUL and loved and strong.
I told S about him and said I genuinely liked K SO much and I wanted to be honest with S, hoping that at the very least after all that was said and done, we could part as friends.
But he is having none of that. Once again, he is accusing me of not being entirely honest with him in this relationship, that some things don't add up and that apparently 'I know in my heart what I have done.' Essentially, there is no way he was going to be mature about this and admit that he had messed up by treating me badly and therefore I left. He would rather turn me into the bitch who cheated because that absolves him of any guilt he feels about what he did to me. This man, who worked so hard to make me feel insecure and unhappy, probably cheated on me in my relationship with him multiple times (I was only too blind to see it), and whom I could never ever speak my mind to in fear of him lashing out and hurting my feelings, who worried about his battery dying than his girlfriend crying about his treatment of her, insisted that he knew how to love, that he genuinely cared about me and still does. He thanks me for NOTHING when in truth, he and I both know he has a LOT to be grateful for. But as ungrateful and emotionally abusive as he is, no God will ever punish him because for some reason, people like him know how to scheme and scam their ways via good people all through their lives.
I have never met someone so determined to make sure I was unhappy in my life considering he knew EVERY PART of what I was going through and had gone through. He cannot and will not appreciate a woman who cooked for him, cleaned for him, loved him, looked after him, read and edited his work, dealt with losing his children ALONE, bought him gifts, lent him money, forgave him time and time and TIME again for taking girls out on dates for eight hours, checked out other girls whilst I was still losing my baby, commented on how attractive my friends are, wanted to chill with an ex girlfriend he barely knew for ten days, never made an effort to come out and see me, made me make all the effort for him, spend all my money on seeing him and being around him, making me ill, this list can go on.
I was under the impression is someone does not hit you, or rape you, it is not abuse. But it IS! Just because every now and then he would read my work, say I was talented, and once in a while actually say something nice to me (essentially crumbs to the starving), I stuck around, because that is all I thought I was WORTH. He did the bare minimum to keep me around, and the bare minimum is not good enough when someone invests so much in you.
The worst part of it all is, most emotionally abusive men never ever ever
admit it. Some of them are not even AWARE of it, they are so delusional (S is one of the delusional types). They insist they are good to others, themselves, everyone around them. They are sociopathic, and can feign charm, convincing even their parents and best friends what good people they are. But they are NOT good people and they will never admit, even to themselves that they are evil, and the scum of the earth.
I wish I could punish S for what he has done to me, but I couldn't do that to someone I have once loved. I will say this though. I wasted a year and a half on a man who treated me like I was toilet paper. And the worst part about it all is: I let him treat me badly because I didn't think I deserved or could do any better.
To all the girls and boys out there in such terribly emotionally abusive relationships, there is hope. Whatever you do, do not make the mistakes I did. Do not change for anyone, do not let someone make you feel useless, DO NOT think you are worthless because someone else has made you feel that way. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and know that you messed up by LETTING someone treat you that way as well, and learn from this (even if you have been abused that does not excuse you for letting someone do it again to you and this I say from having experienced sexual and physical abuse.). LEARN that just because you think that someone has a hold on you, YOU need to break past that and grab a hold of your life for yourself.
There are people who genuinely care about you. I found one when I felt like no one could ever love me.
Keep the faith.
I promise it will be worth it.